I Want My Water!

Also seen on Fox Chase Five...

The recent foiled terror plot in London’s Heathrow Airport marks a monumental and (slightly) reassuring success for the intelligence agencies of the world. Thanks to the work of Peter Clarke, the head of London’s counter-terrorism police, in combination with communication mistakes between the twenty-some-odd British-born Pakistani Muslim terrorists, the 10+/- flights remained grounded and American scum was once again saved.

The day of the attacks, all airports across the pond demanded that passengers carry only absolutely necessary carry-on items in clear plastic bags. This seems reasonable enough, not knowing how many more of “them” were in the nation’s airports. Today US federal officials banned all passengers from bringing liquids onto planes with the exception of milk and juice for young children, as well as liquid medications. Ridiculous, I say!

Anyone who has ever flown with me knows that I go through a liter of bottled water while in flight. There’s no real reason behind this other than my slight OCD and love of Poland Spring natural spring water. There are surely other people like myself who simply need a steady supply of something to drink. And what about the passengers who buy drinks at the terminal? Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, and Cinnabon all sell deliciously cool and refreshing iced beverages that are bought by thousands of people every day. If someone doesn’t have it in them to finish their Venti Java Chip Frappucino, they’ll be forced to throw it out. Wasteful? Absolutely. But my gosh, think of the explosives that could have been mixed in with that chilled coffee beverage! Thousands of lives will be saved by throwing out perfectly good coffee. Airport security should be especially cautious about anything from Dunkin Donuts. Those Muslim donut servers have it in for us. And what of the milk, juice, and medicine? Federal officials are out of their minds if they think they should allow young children to imbibe these fluids. And that old man who “needs” his medicine? He’s a terrorist too.

In short, this whole no-beverage thing is a ridiculous short-term fix. Allowing this liquid but not that one will accomplish absolutely nothing. Terrorists are not dumb people. How long will it take them to put their explosive liquids into medicine bottles and Juicy Juice boxes? I can’t believe that there isn’t some simple tox-screen that opened bottles can be subjected to. A pH or phenolphthalein test would suffice to an extent (who says I don’t pay attention in chem?). Until then, we’re all barred from having our water. And you know what? I want my water.


high school stereotypes....part II

given my recent lack of something to do, i decided to engage in part II of my social experiment. for day 1 i donned my preppy garb and headed to the rockaway mall in search of reactions, especially from the male sex. preppy dana was absolutely the most well-received by all types of males. whether i was in hot topic, abercrombie and fitch, hollister, or that ghetto store that no one knows the name of, i was at least looked at. i bumped into my friend steve [no, not that steve] who was mildly confused, so i explained. he admitted that preppy girls turn the heads of all guys because they are usually the most likely to put out. i didnt know that, so i guess that explains why i for once got looks from guys who are not completely stoned and/or wasted. day 2 was goth day and i was largely ignored and even dismissed by nearly all males, the exception, of course, being a couple goth kids. but my lack of piercings was a sign that i wasnt really goth, so i didnt get much attention. day 3, scene day, was also pretty well-received in that it appeals to both preps and punks because it incorporated aspects of both styles. thinking about it, everyone but ghetto kids gave me a quick lookover. of course, the only ones who talked to me were the stoners, as usual.

conclusion: dress preppy and you will bring all the boys to the yard. dress scene and you get a few. dress goth and youre screwed. dress like normal dana and you too can attract druggies!!


im having an I HATE THE MALE SEX moment

NOTE: i am in no way a feminist, i am just pissed.

i dont know why, but i decided to watch the cosby show today and the plot was that pam's boyfriend was all IF YOU LOVE ME HAVE SEX WITH ME and that kind of thing, one of those episodes thats intended to give a sense of pride and self-respect to black women. yeah i know, im not black, but same deal. seeing pam refuse to give it up to her man even if it meant he left her empowered me and made me even more pissed than i am at the male sex at present for reasons some know about but i will share if you really want to know, but it isnt anything to exciting.

it has been my experience with guys that they seem to think that they have permission to do whatever they want with whomever they want as long as they are drunk because we all know that alcohol is the ultimate excuse for everything. and once the unspeakable act is done its perfectly normal for the male to expect that he can succesfully return to his previous female by demonstrating his love with nice little letters (mia understands) and for awhile it does indeed seem quite nice. but you know what? back to the bill cosby show. pam was talking to claire, telling her about the love letters and gifts that sky was giving her and how she felt guilty for denying him sex because it was obvious that he really loved her. claire gave a whole GET CHO'SELF A REAL MAN black woman speech that again i connected with. screw the letters!!! cam can pull anything out of his ass and he thinks it will make it better. pfft no. ignoring it doesnt work either. and no, it is not okay to show up at the hurt female's parent-free house post-fight and expect the same kind of treatment they had before.

so i have decided, in true feminist fashion, that the male sex generally sucks. thank you bill cosby.

i went back and read this and realized that it is incoherant babbling of a mad angsty teen. i apologize for putting you through that.


friends by numbers

i was on the phone with a friend, deep in conversation, when he remarked that all of my friends are either jewish or asian. i thought about it some, and i thought he might be right. so i made a list of friends and categorized them. if i forgot to include someone but remembered them later, i didnt care, because if i forgot them in the first place theyre obviously not that important to me.

28.6% of my friends are asian. of these asians, 70% are oriental and 30% are brown. 8.6% of my friends are mexic...er...hispanic. 62.8% are white. 17.1% are jewish, 71.4% some form of christian, and 11.5% other. other includes hindu, muslim, atheist, and agnostic. 71.4% of my friends are female, meaning that 28.6% are male. now heres a fun one. 57.1% of my friends are notorious for indulging in some type of illegal substance. of these, 78.9% of the druggies are white, 0% are brown, 10.5% are hispanic, and 10.5% are oriental. also worth noting is that 36.8% of the drug users are male, 63.2% are female. further, 3% of all asian friends use drugs, 66.7% of all hispanics, and 68.2% of all whites. heres a good one. 28.6% of my friends are considered smart. smart is constituted by multiple honors classes, pretty good grades, etc, of the smart friends, 70% are some form of asian and 30% are white. ALL BROWNS WERE SMART. as far as the not so smart people go, 76% are white, 12% are hispanic, and 12% are oriental. of all the white friends, only 13.6% are smart. asians are 70% smart, and hispanics are 0% smart. no joke. 25.7% of my friends have had sex, that i know of.

here are some numbers to crunch of guys i have liked/dated since ninth grade. again, i though t of one after the list was made, but since i forgot him, i obviously didnt like him that much. 77.8% of the guys i have liked use drugs and/or alcohol on an almost daily basis. 77.8% are considered to be not smart...dumb, basically. 66.7% play a sport. 55.6% are brunette, and 44.4% are blonde, dirty blonde, or strawberry blonde. 55.6% are my age and 44.4% are older. of the older males who have graduated high school, 0% went on to get a quality education, with 50% attending community colleges and the other 50% not going anywhere. and heres the kicker. 66.6% of the guys i have liked over the past two years have had sex.

in conclusion: most of my friends are white and or christian. most of my asian friends are smart. the majority of white friends use drugs. mexicans are dumb and are the most likely to use drugs. brown people are very smart and are clean as can be. i apparently go for men who are dumb druggies who have had sex.

i didnt know any of that...except for the last one. oh, and the mexican thing. i certainly knew that.


high school strereotypes

yeah so dress up days are cool. preppy day received good response. preppy, popular girls who im not even friends with stopped me in the hall and told me that i looked adorable and that i should dress like that more often. maybe they werent mad because they thought i was flattering them? maybe they realize theyre not individuals so it doesnt matter if someone dresses like them. or maybe theyre just too dumb to realize that i was making fun of them.

goth day was awesome because i totally scared everyone. the 'real' goths gave me a double take, like why is this girl stealing my clothes? im an individual! no one can copy the way i dress! hah well. but point being the stereotypical goths were annoyed that i was impersonating them, stealing their style that they believe makes them utterly unique and cool.

scene day. i pulled it off beautifully and got mixed reactions. some scene kids like fets, morgan (my scene-ior friend), and aly found it hilarious. most of them didnt. you know all those stupid scene freshmen? they were mad. they gave me the look up and down in disbelief. after all, you have to be really unique to have the same haircut, same shirt, same bows, and same shoes as absolutely everyone else. so the ones who realize that scene is pretty much dumb but has cute clothes laughed, the ones who think of scene as a lifestyle were pissed.

so what have i learned from this? first, i can pull of all three of these stereotypes quite nicely. second, preppy people love it when you emulate their style of dress. they see it as flattery, i guess, not copying them or making fun of them. goths are close-minded and generally are very mad when you dress like them. i guess this is because goth is supposed to be this unique, i am so different from everyone else so leave me alone! style. scene kids are varied. some realize that scene isnt a lifestyle, just some clothes, but some really think that dressing the way they do makes them above everything.

next experiment? go to the mall with each of these stereotypical looks and see which one gets me the most attention from the opposite sex. but then again its me, so ill still probably get the same stoned guys who cant even walk straight.


tom allen, we are forever done

i am liberated. no more will i have to stare into the icy blue eyes of tom allen that say 'i hate you', 'you are dumb', and 'i am so hungover/high' all at the same time. to celebrate this new found freedom, here are some things that tom allen says wrong. i guess this is terribly less interesting than the tribute to incompetence, but hey, we all hate tom allen so s'all good.

some words that mr. allen says wrong

he says: expedentially
he means: exponentially
expedient implies in a timely manner, so i can see where he is coming from. but the root word is EXPONENT, as in it increases at a rapid rate.

he says: atp syn-ta-tase
he means: atp synthase
there actually is something called atp synthatase, but it’s covered in ap bio, which, despite his best efforts, we are not taking.

he says: jen-ome
he means: gene-ome
no excuse for this one.

he says: gabe
he means: abe
abraham gelb does not translate into gabe. is it really that difficult to remember a name? he yells at abe at least twice a day, i don’t see how he still can’t get it.

he says: labtop
he means: laptop
it’s a computer that sits on your lap, not a lab table.

he says: prota-un-ca-gin
he means: proto-oncogene
understandable mispronunciation, but still...

he says: keem-ee-oh-osmosis
he means: chem-ee-osmosis
it’s chem, as in chemical. and there isn’t a second letter o.

he says: draw
he means: drawer
basic english. go to the bsi room.

he says: youge
he means: huge
this is not espanol. we pronounce the letter h.

he says: phospher-le-shin
he means: phos-four-a-lation
again with the substituting letters? it might work for coding for amino acids [note to self: never make bio jokes again] but it does not work in the english language.

he says: swuh-bel
he means: zwhy-bull
i know its a difficult last name. but i found it slightly funny when he called my house and asked to speak to 'mrs. swuhbel' and i told him that no such person existed and i hung up.

he says: fun-jie
he means: fun-guy
you know that joke about the guy mushroom trying to get with the girl mushroom, where he says 'but im a FUN-GUY'? the joke doesnt work if you say fun-jie. it just doesnt make sense.

any more?


five people i am glad i became friends with this year

1. sabrina wang
what can i say about this girl? i dont know how we werent friends before this year because its disgusting how kickass we are together. some would say we are in fact attached at the hip. nonsense! we can break away any time we please, but why would we? we watch xmen together, we finish our chem labs in 5 minutes, we play nintendo, we burn papers. what more could i ask for? shes like the sister i never had, only without the fighting and stealing clothes. and i guess she is kind of smart, what with being asian at all... together we have a pretzel menagerie of exotic animals which is awesome. i dont know anyone else who would collect mutant pretzels with me. we buy cheese fries together on an almost daily basis. i used to think mizz wang was a preppy stuck up asian but as it turns out she is pretty much amazing at life and i might have died without her this year.

2. samuel 'j' hocking
yeah, so apparently we have more in common then appearing terribly jewish. who else do you know that watches the movie totoro? do you even know what that movie is? i didnt think so. he makes the best giraffe noises and is kind of weird sometimes but thats okay because i am too. he usually talks about communism which somehow leads to me talking about alcohol. but it works for some odd reason. and as an added bonus he is hella smart and gives me occasional math answers. he also lends me his girlfriend three times a week. a lot of people have actually told me that we act like brother and sister because we tend to verbally abuse each other but never really mean anything we say. or so i should hope. one day this boy will destroy us all, i just hopes he remembers that we were kind of friends so that i can be spared.

3. abraham gelb
i used to think abe was quite annoying. and dumb. and jewish. turns out only one of the three was actually correct (jewish, in case you are wondering). abe gelb is one of the most entertaining people i have ever met. he is terribly reckless with chemicals and hot test tubes but thats okay, it made bio labs somewhat fun. he can actually be quite smart at times but he just doesnt give a crap, something i wish i could do more often. plus he can run like 500 mph and jump really high when aided with a long pole (get out of the gutter). he makes lunch exciting and fun when hes there and he always always always says hi to me when he sees me even if we're at opposite ends of the hallway. abe tells funny stories about his parents waking him and making him get his hair cut or telling him that he will be diabetic if he doesnt stop drinking soda. i cant wait for the day we go to walmart and ride bikes together.

4. alison frischman
ali, ali, ali...how you puzzle me. sometimes you are a preppy, popular, mindless thing. sometimes you are one of the most sincere and nicest people i have ever met. who is the real ali frischman? i hope its the one i am friends with. this girl is so funny. she finds amusement in the smallest, simplest things that usually arent funny at all. but her laugh is infectious and you end up laughing both with and at her...usually at her, but in a good way! her perfectionism helps me out sometimes when we work together in english and her premonitions about bond tests are remarkably accurate and extremely useful. and i guess she is kind of good at ceramics but only because i help her with everything. but i do it because i adore her. and she has this guinea pig named sprout that i watched one time while she was on vacation and she watched my hamster named otto. it was cool, kind of like her.

5. derek hsu
my asian brotha. he taught me to speak mandarin. watch NEE HOW. DIE JIM! that means hello and goodbye. we talk about everything, sometimes about eggrolls, who is actually a person given an alias that is cleverly disguised as a tasty chinese meal. derek is supersmart x10 and, being asian, he can help me with math and bio and chem if i need it. but i never do (ohh, sarcasm!). we still havent had our nintendo party but when we do i will destroy him at super smash brothers for n64. none of this gamecube crap. we are old skool. like abe, derek can run 500 mph and can jump pretty far. we have a swingin time at lunch and i really miss him on tuesdays when he has chem lab, and im sure he misses me (and sabrina) just as much when we have chem lab on thursdays.

there you go.